How to convince a parent it's time to move

[Kevin68]

Sorry if this is long. I'm not one to ask strangers for personal advice, but this is (mostly) a good group of people and some have gone through this.

Mother, 86, has lived in the same house for 45 years, friends and neighbors have moved or died, neighborhood going downhill. I live 4 hours away, brother 2,000 miles. We both work. She is in the early stages of dementia but refuses to get tested (older sisters had dementia, too). She's had a couple mishaps with the car, none serious. She's a very low fall risk, can feed and bathe herself fine. Not outgoing at all but will participate in conversations if someone else starts it and is generally described as "sweet" (although I know a completely different other side). Claims to wish she is dead, yet faithfully takes her meds, eats very healthy, goes to the Dr., etc. Until very recently, brother has been in denial about the severity of the problem but she's gone down hill very quickly. I offered to build her a small house on my property a couple years ago, but at this point, the time to get something built will make it a huge waste. Her two preferences: 1) death and 2) staying in her house are not feasible. I found a very nice independent living place near me that also has assisted living and memory care when the time comes.

She's OCD with cleanliness, won't "live in someone else's dirt" and hasn't her whole life...always a brand new house. The loneliness is killing her and accelerating her condition. She doesn't want to live with my brother or I, and frankly, we and our wives are relieved to hear that. She's been with me the last week and her alertness and memory are noticeably better. She's with me so I can, for third time in 6 months, fix her computer ****-ups and organize her finances and paperwork. The latest, I thwarted an attempt to wire $450K out of her Schwab account and from the AC guy to sell her an $18K 3.5 ton unit that isn't broken. I monitor her email and needless to say, she no longer has access to her computer and all apps have been deleted from her phone. She hasn't taken any responsibility for this and has a long list of people to blame that aren't herself. Refuses to acknowledge that she may have clicked on a bad link, been suckered, or made a driving error.

She is refusing all available options. Is my only option to have her declared incompetent and go to court so I can do what needs to be done for her to be safe?

[Big bob]

There are no easy answers. Just keep doing the best you can and it will work itself out.

[Aerovette]

This may seem a HUGE change, but would it be possible for you both to move into a house that has a detached or attached MIL suite?

I've looked at a few houses that have a separate apartment situated so the driveway goes between the house and the suite, but the upstairs is connected via a bridged room.

This is a high dollar version, but there are variations.

[GTOguy]

I went through this with both parents. They were divorced in the '60's so lived in different states. My dad actually thought it was a good idea, and we looked at smaller accommodations, but the property tax hike made a move even to a condo not doable. Instead, I added handrails and ramps and the like to the house, which did the trick for the next 3 or 4 years until he passed away.
My mom didn't want to move in with me. She loved Hawaii, where she had been for 35 years, and wanted to be independent. She was alone, but had friends to go out to lunch with and do things with. She kept busy. When the cancer came back, the doctors and I wanted to move her to CA where she could live with me. She didn't want to lose her 'independence' and her doctors and friends. So she stayed. By the time she wanted to come, it was too late and she was too weak to travel. She spent the last month of her life in Hospice, miserable. I was able to be with her for half of that time due to work and travel issues. Covid was in full swing, and Hawaii had rigid (probably still does) COVID rules.

Bottom line: moving is as traumatic as getting married/divorced, getting a new career, or having a death in the family. It's really hard when you are old.

What Big Bob said has merit: take it day by day and go from there. Know that you are inconvenienced right now, but it won't last forever. Spend as much time as you can with her and good luck.

[Don Rickles]

Originally Posted by GTOguy

I went through this with both parents. They were divorced in the '60's so lived in different states. My dad actually thought it was a good idea, and we looked at smaller accommodations, but the property tax hike made a move even to a condo not doable. Instead, I added handrails and ramps and the like to the house, which did the trick for the next 3 or 4 years until he passed away.
My mom didn't want to move in with me. She loved Hawaii, where she had been for 35 years, and wanted to be independent. She was alone, but had friends to go out to lunch with and do things with. She kept busy. When the cancer came back, the doctors and I wanted to move her to CA where she could live with me. She didn't want to lose her 'independence' and her doctors and friends. So she stayed. By the time she wanted to come, it was too late and she was too weak to travel. She spent the last month of her life in Hospice, miserable. I was able to be with her for half of that time due to work and travel issues. Covid was in full swing, and Hawaii had rigid (probably still does) COVID rules.

Bottom line: moving is as traumatic as getting married/divorced, getting a new career, or having a death in the family. It's really hard when you are old.

What Big Bob said has merit: take it day by day and go from there. Know that you are inconvenienced right now, but it won't last forever. Spend as much time as you can with her and good luck.

Didn’t read

[GTOguy]

Originally Posted by Don Rickles

Didn’t read

You didn't read, and I'm not Jewish. That makes us both very happy.

[Don Rickles]

Originally Posted by GTOguy

You didn't read, and I'm not Jewish. That makes us both very happy.

When you drop, I’d be sure to have you underground in less than three days. Be prepared

[VatorMan]

Just went through this with my MIL. It took an accident that she caused that totaled her car for her doctor to finally sign off on removing her D/L. She has moments that she faints and would wake up on the floor. Still she wouldn’t move to a local care facility- as in Texas they call any elderly facility the “nursing home.” Which is basically where you go to die. It took a lot of persuading from her kids and her pastor to get her to realize that living alone could be her death. They still haven’t sold her house yet, so she could go back if she wanted.

I want my Mom to go to the same facility but she is still a headstrong old woman of 95. Wish me luck doing the same.

[Kevin68]

Originally Posted by Aerovette

This may seem a HUGE change, but would it be possible for you both to move into a house that has a detached or attached MIL suite?

I've looked at a few houses that have a separate apartment situated so the driveway goes between the house and the suite, but the upstairs is connected via a bridged room.

This is a high dollar version, but there are variations.

I had that idea when I offered to build her something, but at this point, by the time I get it built, she'll need a higher level of care I can give. I'm not going to bathe my mother or help her get dressed. almost 2 years ago, we built our retirement house on property we've owned for 7 years. We'll be here until we can no longer handle the upkeep or we need to be closer to doctors.

[Aerovette]

Originally Posted by Kevin68

I had that idea when I offered to build her something, but at this point, by the time I get it built, she'll need a higher level of care I can give. I'm not going to bathe my mother or help her get dressed. almost 2 years ago, we built our retirement house on property we've owned for 7 years. We'll be here until we can no longer handle the upkeep or we need to be closer to doctors.

What if a nurse came in each morning for those things and then left?

[Don Rickles]

OP,

There comes a time in every human beings‘s life when they have to be told, versus being asked. Exactly when that moment occurs, is one of the most difficult decisions to make.

Hopefully her last time will be remembering you!

[Kevin68]

Originally Posted by GTOguy

I went through this with both parents. They were divorced in the '60's so lived in different states. My dad actually thought it was a good idea, and we looked at smaller accommodations, but the property tax hike made a move even to a condo not doable. Instead, I added handrails and ramps and the like to the house, which did the trick for the next 3 or 4 years until he passed away.
My mom didn't want to move in with me. She loved Hawaii, where she had been for 35 years, and wanted to be independent. She was alone, but had friends to go out to lunch with and do things with. She kept busy. When the cancer came back, the doctors and I wanted to move her to CA where she could live with me. She didn't want to lose her 'independence' and her doctors and friends. So she stayed. By the time she wanted to come, it was too late and she was too weak to travel. She spent the last month of her life in Hospice, miserable. I was able to be with her for half of that time due to work and travel issues. Covid was in full swing, and Hawaii had rigid (probably still does) COVID rules.

Bottom line: moving is as traumatic as getting married/divorced, getting a new career, or having a death in the family. It's really hard when you are old.

What Big Bob said has merit: take it day by day and go from there. Know that you are inconvenienced right now, but it won't last forever. Spend as much time as you can with her and good luck.

She doesn't have mobility issues. This would be easier if she had more people and activity around her and wasn't so damn unreasonable. Like your mother, her fate will be forced upon her by some traumatic event, which is my brother's strategy. At that point the options will be very limited. As it is with a fading memory, moving into new surroundings might be a setback. I think she is good enough now that she can adapt to a new normal. Waiting can't possibly be a easier time than now.

[Kevin68]

Originally Posted by Aerovette

What if a nurse came in each morning for those things and then left?

I'm 30 miles from any place that has a rent-a-nurse. I really think she needs to be around people more regularly and make new friends.

[GTOguy]

Originally Posted by Don Rickles

When you drop, I’d be sure to have you underground in less than three days. Be prepared

Consider the thread and why it's here. Grow up.

[Don Rickles]

Originally Posted by GTOguy

Consider the thread and why it's here. Grow up.

You’re so stupid you don’t see it the honor in my words! You truly are a moron!

[Kevin68]

Originally Posted by Don Rickles

OP,

There comes a time in every human beings‘s life when they have to be told, versus being asked. Exactly when that moment occurs, is one of the most difficult decisions to make.

Hopefully her last time will be remembering you!

That's where I am but I think my wife and I are the only adults in the room. This would be so much easier if she could come to the conclusion that she needs something more than being alone in her disjointed thoughts.

Twice this week I've got her to go visit a place in north San Antonio. This place is VERY nice with lots of activity, meals/transportation to anywhere included, full medical clinic inside, with a 8-5 M-F Dr. on staff. While there, several residents figured out why we were there and told her she'll love it. She smiled and laughed with them, but get her back to my house she still wishes she was dead and wants to stay in her house. I don't get it.

[GTOguy]

Originally Posted by Don Rickles

You’re so stupid you don’t see it the honor in my words! You truly are a moron!

Whatever I may be, thank God I am not you. I mean that. I couldn't bear to be a crybaby. No f-ing way. Couldn't do it. Nope.

[Don Rickles]

Originally Posted by Kevin68

That's where I am but I think my wife and I are the only adults in the room. This would be so much easier if she could come to the conclusion that she needs something more than being alone in her disjointed thoughts.

Twice this week I've got her to go visit a place in north San Antonio. This place is VERY nice with lots of activity, meals/transportation to anywhere included, full medical clinic inside, with a 8-5 M-F Dr. on staff. While there, several residents figured out why we were there and told her she'll love it. She smiled and laughed with them, but get her back to my house she still wishes she was dead and wants to stay in her house. I don't get it.

Only spoken from experience, so often once they are moved into the new place it becomes wonderful. The first step can be difficult, but my relatives have always been much happier after being told.

[Don Rickles]

Originally Posted by GTOguy

Whatever I may be, thank God I am not you. I mean that. I couldn't bear to be a crybaby. No f-ing way. Couldn't do it. Nope.

OP, please excuse this troll.

I wish the best for you!

[Yadkin]

You have to be the parent. Use the same techniques that she used on you.

My MIL was dying of cancer, her second husband died at home months before. My wife flew up to NY several times and stayed weeks to get ready for her to move to a nursing home close by to us. We set a date, she made ever excuse. We addressed all the real issues, ignored the false ones. When the date came, we drove up, spent a few days wrapping things up at the house and got her signatures on documents. We stuffed her in the car at 4:00 in the morning to avoid traffic, and I drove 12 hours with one break, straight to the nursing home.